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<title>Omniscience Declared Unconstitutional</title>
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            <p align="left"><font size="4"><b>Omniscience declared
            unconstitutional; ZEALOT Act struck down</b></font></p>
            <p align="left"><font size="3">
Thursday, February 12, 2004<br>
Posted: 4:14 PM EST</font></p>
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          <p align="left"><b>Heaven, Dimension X</b> - Yesterday, in an unprecedented move lauded by civil libertarians, the Supreme Being Court struck down the primordial ZEALOT Act that originally
legislated God's omniscience.</p>
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                <p align="left"><font size="1">The Supreme Being Court deliberating.</font>
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          <p align="left">
In a 7-5 ruling, reality's highest independent court stated &quot;[t]he right to privacy alluded to in several amendments of the Paradise Constitution stands in direct contrast to the wide-ranging and
unnecessarily broad investigative powers carelessly granted by the ZEALOT Act."&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">
The ruling drew on several independent lines of reasoning. Citing Matthew 5:28,
&quot;...anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery
with her in his heart,&quot; the Court argued the Act allowed celestial thought
police and a wide variety of similarly dangerous precedents.&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">
The "Zealous Edict Authorizing Legal Obtainment of Thoughts&quot; Act stealthily
passed the Heavenly Host Congress almost
          96 trillion years ago.
Hastily compiled under pretense of a War on Rebellion, it gave the divine branch
          of the government unencumbered powers of surveillance and permeating
          knowledge that extended to all areas of reality. &nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">As both sides were making their closing arguments, representatives of several monotheistic
          religions, as well as civil liberties groups like the Eden Civil
          Liberties Union, gathered outside the steps in protest and
          expectation.&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">When it was over, a shocked Rev. Jerry Falwell&nbsp;again blamed
          &quot;The abortionists, feminists,
          gays, lesbians, pagans and secularizers...&quot; for &quot;helping make this
          happen.&quot; When someone in the crowd pointed out none of them had
          any influence in Heaven, he once again retracted the
          statement.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">
A panel of Nobel Prize-winning scientists agreed with the ruling, issuing an
official statement arguing that &quot;omniscience logically implies determinism
and makes attempts to change the future futile.&quot;</p>
          <p align="left">
Adam, original human and head of the ECLU, declared that this day was a great
victory for civil liberties and justice. His eloquent speech against &quot;the
totalitarianism of the current Administration,&quot; in which he described his
difficult childhood resulting from a &quot;draconian punishment for taking a
damn apple&quot;, left the crowd in tears. Privately, however, a few expressed
concerns that God had foreseen and planned this in advance to generate a public
outcry that would allow Him to replace liberal justices appointed by His
predecessor.&nbsp;</p>
          <p align="left">
Chief Justice Crion latter publicly defended the ruling, stating that the Act
effectively removed any checks and balances the government had by giving God
unlimited access to the thoughts, plans and locations of those who disagreed
with him. &quot;What's more, omniscience would let one know how to carefully but
surely manipulate those thoughts in any desired direction just by providing the
right input,&quot;&nbsp;he remarked.&nbsp;</p>
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                  <p align="left"><font size="1">St. Philip gives a press
                  conference</font>
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<p align="left">
At a press conference today, God's lawyer, Philip the Apostle, told reporters they would appeal. "Unfortunately, with God, one day is as a thousand years," he begrudgingly commented, "So this will probably take a few
eons to get sorted out.&quot;&nbsp;
</p>
<p align="left">
When asked about his Administration's alleged ties to questionable tax
investigations, he gave an ambiguous response and ended the conference, citing
time constraints.&nbsp;
</p>
<p align="left">
Several hours after the ruling, St. Matthew, head of the Infernal Revenue
Service, announced these audits would be carried out on all archangels who voted
to axe the ZEALOT Act. These were immediately attacked as &quot;obvious witch
hunts... [whose] intention [is] to divert attention from this Administration's
latest scandal&quot; by an anonymous Justice.&nbsp;
</p>
<p align="left">Opposition leader Beelzebub applauded the move, saying that it
was a step in the right direction but didn't do enough. &quot;With the knowledge
my old enemy obtained in the meanwhile, he no doubt understands all the legal
tricks in the book and could get it back,&quot; said the fallen angel.&nbsp;
</p>
<p align="left">God himself was unavailable for comment, as always.
</p>
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